Could 2011 be my year?

Today is day 1
I have a blood test on Jan 6
Results the next day
If all is well I will have daily blood tests
Thaw out Frostie
Drive down to Christchurch
Transfer
Two week wait..
All will be revealed by the end of the month..

Fingers crossed!

Is it just me, or are there a lot of pregnant women out there at the moment?  I wonder if I am noticing it more with Summer not letting it hide under layers. Maybe it's what Nelson is always like?

I am looking forward to spending time with my family over Christmas.  Allan and I are driving down after work and staying with Mum and Dad a couple of days, then back to Nelson before New Years.

Wow, 2010 went quite fast aye!  Been pretty full on with moving up here from Christchurch, then trying a round of IVF to have it cancelled due to poor response, trying another round resulting two embies.. one popped back in and a BFN.

Now we have a wee frostie waiting at the IVF clinic.. (just chilling out lol) waiting until next month to be thawed out and hopefully he/she is a sticky one!

really.. what's a month...

When you've already waited nine years for something.. and wanted it so bad, I guess it's only one more extra month.. only another 28 more days.. not much really in the grand scheme of things..

Next month now

I heard from Repromed today.. I wont be able to have the transfer until next month now because my period is so late and they don't do transfers in the week leading up to Christmas.

At least I will be able to eat drink & be merry at Xmas & New Years.

Guess what just turned up?

You got it..

I will try the nurses tomorrow.. if not I will call on Monday and see what the plan is.. 

Still Missing in Action!

My period is now 5 days late.  I did a pee on the stick test yesterday at lunch time to see if the absolutely amazing had happened and we fell pregnant naturally.. but only one little line showed up.. so I'm not sure what's going on.. 

I am also a bit concerned about timing now.  Before it was pretty much a given that I would be travelling down to Christchurch around the 15th for the transfer.. Repromed don't usually do transfers on the week leading up to Christmas so this may mean I will be waiting until January now.

I'm going to give Repromed a call on Monday, whether my period has arrived or not, to have a chat with the nurses.. 

Hmmm.. where are you?

We are on the homeward stretch to the next transfer.. My period was due yesterday with all things being equal, but nothing yesterday.. nothing today either.. could it just be my body being a pain in the ass?  Teasing me?  It's funny.. after all these years of trying for kids, after all these years of negative pregnancy tests, late periods, a failed transfer, being told we can't conceive naturally, I still cling to hope every time my period is a day late.. maybe I am a sucker for punishment?

Time will tell I guess!

Interesting from ASB

http://www.asb.co.nz/CreatingFutures/ivf/

Thoughts

I visited my friend in Blenheim during the week.  She said something that I hadn't thought of.. If this wee frosty works, then we don't have the second IVF for free.. I don't know why I hadn't thought of this before.. so.. I have been thinking about a couple of scenarios over the last couple of days.. 

Scenario 1 - the transfer works, I'm pregnant and that will be our only child

Scenario 2 - The transfer doesn't work, try IVF again, potentially have more embryos to work with in the future

Scenario 3 - this transfer works, we win lotto and can afford another round of IVF

It makes me think a lot about life in general.. most people don't need to worry about facing such problems.  Most people don't need to know the ins and outs of a cycle or embryology.. I read once that IVF takes the innocence out of getting pregnant.. that's very true.. 

So.. I wont be eating Christmas ham at Mum & Dads this year and my New Years Eve will ether be very quite and very sober or I might go off the rails.. we shall see!

Below is a picture of my niece and nephew.. they are the reason that I am keeping positive.. I know that in the end I will be as lucky as my sister has been with two gorgeous children.. 

still here..

Nothing much to report though.. no changes, no new news.. just like this.. the calm before the 2 week wait storm...

The plan...

I met with Greg Philipson from Repromed today.  They are going to transfer the frosty next cycle.. looks like I will be down in Christchurch for the transfer on the 15th Dec ish depending on my cycle.

Good news!

Of course there is the chance that the wee emby could be damaged in the thawing, but my body wont be full of drugs from my hormones etc..

I found this on a friends blog.. I wanted to highlight these couple of paragraphs

Excerpt taken from 

http://invitrofertilitygoddess.com/2007/05/11/ivf-pregnancy-is-it-a-worry/

After the euphoria of the positive pregnancy test wears off a feeling of anxiety, even fear can replace it.

Oh my God, how am I going to cope with twins/triplets/quads? What if after all this I miscarry? Will my baby/s be normal? Why am I thinking this stuff? 

Maybe part of the reason lies with the fact that an IVF pregnancy is illuminated at every step of the way. There's barely a minute when you aren't being tested for something and monitored for something else long before you even conceive and beyond, until the end of the first trimester. 

Firstly there's all the blood screening tests then the drug screening tests, the ultrasounds, then when your baby is barely more than a four cell genetic (and oh so cute - looks like DH when he first wakes up) cluster you get to see it on a screen and it gets a rating.

Meantime you are following its progress like you're the paparazzi and it's Paris Hilton.

You're obsessed with every detail, how many cells is it now, is it a Grade One or Two, how's it doing? Is it transfer-worthy? Is it implantation worthy? How's it doing? It's only eight cells and you're turning into an anxious parent mulling over its achievements.

On the day of the transfer, you're up at dawn, having not slept a wink. After the transfer you feel every little twinge, you don't want to drive or make any sudden movement in case you dislodge it. You become constipated for fear of it falling out when you go to the toilet. 

You cross off not the days but the hours, the minutes, until the pregnancy test. No wonder, by the time you get it, you're exhausted. Then there is the scan to wait for before it becomes an official positive. You get to see the tiny pole beating. Then, if you're 35 or over you have the further abnormality testing to get through and another scan at the end of the first trimester.

Meantime the non-fertility challenged woman has had sex, merrily gone on her way probably drinking and generally obliviously enjoying herself. At some stage she realized her period was late and peed on a stick. Oh, OK, I ‘m pregnant. A couple of months later she rocks up at the obstetrician's office for her first appointment.

I can't believe how accurate that is!

A week has past

A week has past and we are looking forward.. in a couple of days we will have the new plan and can look forward to that.. I am feeling much better about things.. still get a wee pang of jealousy when I see so many of my friends are preggers/new mums.. I just have to remind myself that that will be me one day. 

Getting over it?

Nah.. I don't think so.. I still think a lot about why this transfer didn't work and really have to wonder if me being so sick had anything to do with it.. If I had more dosh I would look into the acupuncture side of things and start now ish.. but with Christmas looming I don't think it's an option.. 

I still have wee sad moments.. then I wonder if it is all worth it.. I think if/when I get pregnant I will be a worry wart.. always concerned about a feeling or twinge.. and then you hear about Lily Allen's 6 month miscarriage and that just scares me.. then I think about the state of the world and whether I want to bring a child up in this environment.. and just when I get my self all worked up I think about how good it will feel when I hold our baby in my arms.. how special it will be to go through all the firsts.. first smile, first giggle, first words, first crawl etc..

Spending time with my niece and nephew.. seeing how precious they are.. hearing about all the cute things they do makes me yearn for a baby even more.. 

We're not down for the count yet.. I guess I thought it would be easy for me to fall pregnant.. I just have to learn that nothing in this life is easy.. how does the saying go?  What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger..

Sore

I got AF yesterday at work and I have got bad cramps and back pain.. Feeling pretty shit actually..

Come on Rach.. put that brave face on...

:)

Still sad

Yesterday Al and I went to Richmond Mall for a look around.. we ended up at Farmers and in the baby dept as we were wandering around.. It's hard seeing other pregnant women and wee babies.. It's even harder for me to think that I am going to have to go through the two week wait again when it could be for nothing.. and then what?  Another 6 months for another cycle.. that's it.. that's our last shot..

Oh well.. back to the gym today.. and throw myself into work.. all that good stuff.. not..

Trying not to think about it..

The plan from here

I've just heard from Kate, one of the nurses at Repromed and Allan and I will be meeting with Dr Phillipson on Nov 9 up here to discuss the next step.. I asked the nurse about how long until the next transfer and she indicated that I should get AF (aunt flow) in the next few days and then the AF after that I can book on for a transfer.. so all going well I should be able to have a transfer in 6 weeks.

I guess Dr Phillipson will be able to shed some light on what happened, but I'm not holding my breath.. 

By the way... it's a gorgeous day to be alive here in Nelson.. :)

Monarch

I was just outside hanging out some washing and a monarch floated past me.. 

Hi Grandma.. thanks for letting me know everything will be ok xx

Emptiness

When I first heard the message on the answering machine last night I couldn't believe it.. Had she really told me it was a negative result?  Had she really told me to stop my medication?  I was numb.. 

Now that I've had half a day to process the negative result I have so many questions.. What happens now?  When can we try another transfer with the remaining frozen Embryo? Why didn't it work?  Was it because of the Rotavirus that this one didn't stick around?

For the last two weeks I really believed that I had another life growing inside me.. I felt nauseous yesterday morning.. I was hoping it was morning sickness, but turns out it was either nerves or I had a crook tummy.. so many unanswered questions.. and who knows if they will be answered.. 

People told me not to get my hopes up.. but that's easier said than done.. 

First thing I did last night was had a good cry and a glass of wine and ordered a pizza.. 

So now we carry on.. with our brave faces on.. and keep our chins up for the next try...

Doesn't stop me feeling sad though...

This too shall pass.. 

BFN

Let me tell you what BFN stands for.. it stands for

BIG FAT NEGATIVE...

This little embryo wasn't meant to be...

Onwards and upwards.. 

Nine years all boils down to tomorrow

Miranda, my co-worker, asked me how confident I am that I will have a positive result tomorrow.. I replied that I am 60% confident. 

I can't believe that this time tomorrow I will know.. I am using all my might to not buy a pregnancy test from the supermarket... I think tomorrow is going to be painful.. I hope it goes fast!

My sister has kindly lent me Kaz Cooke's "Up the Duff" for me to read.. I look forward to getting into it.. 

Getting nervous and scared.. 

Fingers crossed!

So tired

Felt a couple of pains in my lower abdomen today and now I am so tired that I could honestly go to bed..

Yawn!

Blood test tomorrow.. results in 48 hours.. eek!

Nothing much today

No pains, nothing sore or achy, no aversion to any smells, no nausea, nothing...

Four days to go until results

I've spent the last couple of days by myself (except today when my parents arrived from Chch to have a wee break from the earthquakes).  Hubby has been down in Christchurch for work for the long weekend and had the chance to let his hair down with his friends and catch up with his family.  He is due home in a couple of hours.

I have really enjoyed my time alone.  I feel I have really gotten over the virus and ready to face the week (although it's extremely awesome that It's only 4 days long!)

I've thought more about how I would like to be told and I think it would be best that the nurses ring and leave a message on the phone at home and then we can listen to it together and have the weekend to celebrate/commiserate... 

I haven't felt anything today, except lower back ache.. I hope all is well down there..

mmmmmangoes...

Maybe it's just me being mental.. I don't know.. but today at the supermarket all I wanted to buy was mangoes.  Mango juice, mango sorbet, mango ice cream, mango mango mango.. and other fruit too.. I've never been the biggest fruit fan, but look in my fridge now and you will have a fruit overload!

Other experiences today is a dull aching lower back, twinges in my lower belly and tired.. I mean I've done nothing all day except grocery shopping and watching TV and I had to have a nap!

5 days until results!

Hello wee Embie.. how you doing down there?

Back to work today

It was good though because it kept me busy.. I hardly thought about how long it is until next Friday.. 

Allan and I talked last night about how we want to hear the results.  We decided that we would let the nurses at Repromed know to call my cellphone at a certain time late in the afternoon and Allan would meet me at work.. Then we can share the news (good or bad) with our families.

Allan has gone down to Christchurch for work this weekend so I am going to laze about the house like a slob and get over the virus..

P.S - my hubby has banned me from Google and HPTs! lol

bizzare.. or is it a sign?

So I was just watching a really funny Youtube clip about news bloopers and one particular one made me cry.. the one where the guy was attacked by the snake.. normally I would laugh.. but I ended up in full blown emotional tears. 

Has anyone else experienced this before doing IVF a week after collection?

Oh and I can feel that little twinge down low on my left side again tonight.

Feeling better

Feeling so much better this afternoon.  Still very tired so I hope to catch up on some sleep tonight in my own bed.

One week down and one week to go until results day!

I just have to keep remembering the result is just the next wee step in the journey.

5 kgs down (hang on - that's not the reason I started this blog!)

Oh my god.. someone please stop the fluids running out of me.. I've been awake since 3 am.. I've been monitoring my temperature - I was a little high yesterday,  but I am ok today.. how can one person have that much liquid in them? 

I have lost just over 5 kgs in the last two days and am drained.. 

I am planning on spending the whole of today in my pyjamas, on my Lazyboy with several waterbottles beside me and panadol at the ready.. 

The Doc agrees that I have picked up Rotavirus from the family in Christchurch - although I think I am lucky because I am not throwing up.

This time next week I will be having a blood test.. exciting!  I just really hope that this virus isn't harming my wee embryo..

Sick.. and a bit scared

So my tummy started working overtime yesterday afternoon and I think I've lost about 3 kgs in that time.. I have real bad diarrhea and still coughing lots.  So much that I ended up sleeping in my lazyboy chair last night so as not to disturb Allan.

I went to work this morning but left an hour later.  Came home and slept for four hours and have just been to the docs.. nothing I can do except keep my fluids up and rest.  I have Rotavirus that I picked up down in Christchurch.. at least I'm not throwing up like my sister and nephew are.. 

I keep feeling little pains in my left side.. I wonder if that wee embryo is implanting?

I'm off work now until Friday and all my sick leave is gone for the next 9 months... I hope that if I am pregnant, that it's going to be a sick free one!  Here's hoping aye?

I'm going back to sleep... zzz

9 years in the making

Well.. it's been a while since I wrote a Blog.. I forgot how much I enjoyed it back when Yahoo 360 was around.

I am officially PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) and am having a break before I head back to work tomorrow.

Blood test on Thursday the 28th and results on Friday the 29th will reveal all.

Exciting times!